W
Literature
Wanda Wonka excerpt (entering the factory) Wanda Wonka excerpt (entering the factory) This is a section from my screenplay-in-progress: Wanda Wonka and her Fantabulous Confection Factory. I cannot post the full version since parts of it can be awfully graphic, and back when I uploaded the original draft on my old account it got pulled down for reasons I cannot remember. Anyway, this is part where the everyone enters the factory. Hope you enjoy A little context: In this version, I used 7 Ticket Winners, the other two being based on Roald Dahl 2 unused characters Miranda Piker and Marvin Prune (renamed Marley) INT. FACTORY ENTRANCE LOBBY (Everyone enters through the massive doors which close behind them. They are in a large lobby hall made of white marble floors and pillars with magenta walls covered in gold trim and mouldings. In the center of the room is a fountain with liquid chocolate falling into it from somewhere in the ceiling. At the far end are a pair of fancy staircases, like the kind you would see in a mansion. Wonka jumps in front of everyone, blocking the view.) WONKA: Now I have so very much I want to show but not nearly enough time! Please take off your outer garments and hang them over there so we can be on our way. (Wonka gestures to some candy cane colored coat racks and everyone complies. Wonka removes her top hat, revealing a miniature one underneath.) MRS. GLOOP: Oh! Eet eez so very warm een ehr! (In the background Wonka removes her trench coat to reveal a smaller bright purple trench coat underneath.) MRS. PRUNE: It certainly is. One could completely forget that it is freezing just beyond those doors. (In the background, Wonka removes her second trench coat to reveal a velvet burgundy tail coat that fits like a corset.) CHARLIE: I-if you th-think about it, m-making chocolate and o-other candy is p-probably much easier in a w-warmer environment. WONKA: Aren’t you clever? (pats Charlie on the head) It also is necessary so that my workers can operate at maximum efficiency. They do like it hot! AUNTIE JOY: So you do have employees? WONKA: Now that’s a silly question! Of course I do! MS. SALT: I had assumed that everything would be machine automated. It would make things much more affordable if you did not have to give out salary and benefits. WONKA: Oh, I can assure you it is quite the opposite. But I will explain that all later. (Mickenzie is struggling with her tablet while Augustine does the same with her phone.) MICKENZIE: Hey! What the shit!? My game just went out! AUGUSTINE: Wonka! I think your Wi-Fi is down! WONKA: Oh we don’t have any of that here. No signals are meant to go in and out of these walls. I like my privacy. MICKENZIE: What kind of place doesn’t have service? WONKA: The kind that likes to keep its recipes and browser history a secret. (Mickenzie notices Mrs. Teavee is still tapping something into her phone.) MICKENZIE: (angrily) Why the fuck do you have service? MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) Because Mommy has a company to run and that requires the best access she can get. MICKENZIE: Why the fuck don't I have service then? MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) Mommy can only afford the best service for one person… Herself. AUGUSTINE: But Wonka, I promised my followers a look at the inside of your factory! I have patrons who paid for video coverage. WONKA: Sneaking around without my consent is not very nice, and that’s exactly why I lined the walls with signal blockers… except AD&Dmax. But I’m willing to let this go. I’m just too excited for the day I have planned! VIOLET: (to Augustine, mockingly) Should’a kept yer’ mouth shut, loser. Now she’s gonna have ‘n eye out fer’ ya. MRS. PRUNE: So whatever is this grand prize we have heard so much about, Wonka? WONKA: (playing coy) Oh nothing spectacular. (awkward pause) Just the rights to my confectionary empire once I eventually pass away. (Everyone responds with shock simultaneously.) Wait, what?! MICKENZIE: Shut the fuck up! MRS. PRUNE: Did she just say- MRS. BEAUREGARDE: The entire Wonka company? MARLEY: (does not grasp how big a deal this is) Ooh! More candy for me! VIOLET: (pops a bubble) Holy shit. MS. SALT: Are you serious?! MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) What a shocker. MS. SALT: She can’t be serious! WONKA: I know, I know. I’m so very generous. MS. SALT: Wonka you cannot simply give away your entire corporation on a whim. WONKA: (playing dumb) I can’t? Oh well, if none of you want it then- EVERYONE: No! Never mind! We want it! WONKA: You people seem a bit… odd. But never mind. You’ll have plenty of time to decide what you want throughout this tour. Now follow me. (Wonka leads everyone down the hall.) MRS. PRUNE: (to Veruca) You didn’t seem at all excited about the chance to win the factory. VERUCA: I don't need to be excited. Mamae has all the money I could ever want and one day she will pass her company down to me, the way Papa did for her. (Ms. Salt makes a choking sound in response to Veruca's statement.) MS. SALT: (stammering) Umm... Of course my little chickadee. VERUCA: Besides if I always get what I want. And I want this factory. Mamae! (Ms. Salt pulls out a checkbook.) WONKA: I’m fairly certain you could not possibly afford all of my assets. But even if you could I would have to decline. (Awkward pause.) VERUCA: What did you say? VIOLET: She said no dipwad. (Veruca stands there, her eye twitching.) VERUCA: (unable to comprehend) [N-… You can’t say n-... No one ever tells me n-] (Ms. Salt rushes up to Wonka) MS. SALT: (frantic) Wonka please reconsider. You don’t know what will happen if my Veruca doesn’t- WONKA: You all are just too nutty. (Wonka slaps Veruca across the cheek. Everyone is silent in shock, even Veruca, who is no longer babbling to herself.) WONKA: Now please do come along. (Wonka leads everyone on as Veruca garbs her mother to chew her out although her dialogue is not heard clearly.) MICKENZIE: Anyone else think it's weird that there's no dudes on this tour? WONKA: (feigning ignorance) Oh? I hadn’t noticed. VIOLET: (to Mickenzie) No way yer' a girl. Only guys r' that flat chested. MICKENZIE: (angry) Willing to bet yours are fake, fuckhead! VIOLET: (half smiling) Thought C’nadians were s'pose t' be unbearably nice. MICKENZIE: (squinting) Get laid. VIOLET: Yea whatev Mindy. (Mickenzie nearly snaps back but Wonka covers her mouth.) WONKA: Now, now. Let’s not start this wonderful day with such frowny language and tempers. If you would all follow me this way we can get started. INT. CONTRACT ROOM (Wonks leads everyone through a pair of purple doors into a room with pink walls and beige carpeting. A raised section with a pair of desks is at the far side of the room. Wonka lifts up an enormous pile of papers from inside one desk and drops it onto its surface. producing a loud slam.) MICKENZIE: What the hell is that? WONKA: A contract. VIOLET: Contract? MRS. PRUNE: Whatever for? WONKA: (amused) To sign silly. (Wonka searches her coat and pulls out a quill dripping red ink.) MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) Well that’s not ominous at all. MS. SALT: (suspicious) No one said anything about a contract. WONKA: (annoyed) I'm running a multi-national corporation that's worth several hundred multijillion in west Europe alone and I haven't let anyone in here in... a very long time. I'm pretty sure the use of contracts should have been self-explanatory. MS. SALT: (apprehensive) That does not change the fact that we should have been told prior. WONKA: Actually I'm telling you now, and seeing as no one signed yet, I think that covers it. MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) I'm guessing no one else is going to point out that multimillion is not an actual number? VIOLET: (annoyed) Yeah, whatev’! Let's jus' get this over with! MRS. BEAUREGARDE: (grinning) Now just a minute sweetie. VIOLET: (aggravated) Friggin' gawd Ma! WONKA: It would really be faster if you all just signed. MS. SALT: I am no fool Wonka. Let me see that. (Ms. Salt and others of the group take different pages and read them) MS. SALT: I, the undersigned, agree that as of the date listed above that I did so partake in this, the most amazingly stupendous tour in their lifetime- That is not proper legal writing! AUGUSTINE: My followers are gonna be so pissed... MICKENZIE: Privacy Policy? This isn’t even online! MRS. BEAUREGARDE: In the event of any damage and/or disaster, be it either natural or mechanical or man-made or self-inflicted or digital... MS. SALT: Is this part in Latin? MARLEY: (whining) Can I just sign it? Pleeeeeease? MRS. PIKER: -will be held solely accountable- Hmph! Indeed! MIRANDA: Yes! Indeed! MRS. BEAUREGARDE: -including, but in no case limited to: forest fires, snow/ice storms, lightning strikes, tropical storms/hurricanes/typhoons, tornadoes, food/beverage/candy shortages, flu epidemic, zombification virus, machine uprisings… What on earth is frippery? VIOLET: Sounds kinky. MICKENZIE: -any alteration to the whole or part of the human body such size, mass, weight, volumetric capacity, biological function, color scheme- What the shit? MS. SALT: Now it’s in Greek… Wait, I think it’s mixed with… Russian? MRS. PRUNE: Gastric developments? MARLEY: (whining) My head hurts! VIOLET: Why th’ fuck should I have t’ be worried ‘bout liquid extraction? MS. SALT: Who put’s Nordic runes in a contract? MRS. BEAUREGARDE: This is ridiculous Wonka! How can you expect us to get through all of this? WONKA: Oh, this is just the first volume. CHARLIE: The... first? WONKA: (hidden annoyance) Yes... That is what I said. MS. SALT: (shocked) That's one volume? MARLEY: (confused) What's a volume? AUNTIE JOY: How many are there? MARLEY: Is it something to do with how fast things go? WONKA: Um... I'm not actually sure... MRS. PRUNE: You don't know? WONKA: There's at least thirty-eight. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: (disbelief) Thir- thirty-what now? WONKA: (thinking out loud) I think. MICKENZIE: Jeeziz christ! WONKA: (thinking out loud) No. Probably more. AUGUSTINE: That's crazy! WONKA: (thinking out loud) Well that's how many there were last year... Or maybe two years ago... Hmm? MRS. PRUNE: (obstinately) This is absurd! MIRANDA: I agree! MS. SALT: (annoyed) As do I! Ms. Wonka, my husband, God rest his soul, dealt with contracts frequently. I happen to know that one of this length is complete nonsense. WONKA: (innocently) Just covering my bases. MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) Seems excessive. Even half of your so-called first volume is likely going overboard. MS. SALT: Precisely! So per- MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) As a former legal counsel to various media conglomerates, I would not advise signing anything until everything has been carefully examined. WONKA: Well I never said you couldn't do that. Keep in mind, however, I only have until the end of today to do this tour thing. (Wonka walks over to a curtain rod) WONKA: So if you really want to read it through- (Wonka pulls the curtain revealing shelves full of stacks of contract paper.) WONKA: I'd be quick about it. MICKENZIE: What the actual fuck!? MRS. PRUNE: This is insane! MIRANDA: Yes! Insane! VERUCA: (aggravated) Mamae! I want to go on this tour! [Don't you dare make me read all of that!] MS. SALT: (flustered) But dear, M-Mama just wants what's best for you. This is rather suspicious. VERUCA: (furious) [I want my tour dammit! I want it now!] MARLEY: (pouty) Oh, but I really wanted to see the factory! MICKENZIE: (annoyed) So coming here was just a waste of our time? Shit on me! MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) If you want to do the tour then go ahead and sign. MICKENZIE: (confused) Didn't you just say to read it first? MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) You're old enough to make your own bad decisions. Now stop wasting Mommy's time with stupid questions. VIOLET: (aggravated) Aw, fuck all this! MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet? (VIOLET stomps forward and takes the quill, signing her name onto the contract.) VIOLET: Yer' all a bunch a' fuckin' losers! (VIOLET walks back to the crowd still holding the quill.) MRS. BEAUREGARDE: N-now Violet, I asked you nicely not to sign that- VIOLET: Frickin' can it already Ma! Too late now anyways! (VIOLET shoves the quill at VERUCA, hitting her in the gut.) VERUCA: Oof! VIOLET: Don't be chick’n an' jus' sign it already. VERUCA: (furious) [You bitch! I'll get even with you!] (VIOLET walks away.) VIOLET: (apathetic) Yea, whatev'. I don't speak loser. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: (composing herself) Ahem. That's my Violet! Such an independent girl! Just like I raised her to be. (Veruca rushes to sign in a huff with Ms. Salt chasing after.) MS. SALT: Now Veruca, dear. Let's think about this for a moment. VERUCA: Shut up. (Veruca signs the contact and then walks off.) MS. SALT: (to herself) I have a terrible feeling about all this. (Veruca tosses the quill up in the air, prompting Charlie to reach for it only for Augustine to get it first. As she walks forward she is tripped by Mickenzie, allowing Marley to get the quill.) AUNTIE JOY: Don't worry dear. We're in no rush. (Marley prances up and signs, being sure to show off her tight fitting romper riding up her butt crack.) MICKENZIE: Jeeziz! VIOLET: (snorting laugh) Talk ‘bout shameless. MRS. PIKER: (disgusted) Revolting! Absolutely revolting! MIRANDA: Yes! Absolutely! (Marley seems pleased with herself as she steps down. Augustine is about to grab the quill, but Mickenzie pushes her aside and takes it.) MICKENZIE: Let's get this bullshit over with. MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone, to Wonka) So why don't any of us parents need to sign? WONKA: Oh, that's not necessary. Only the Ticket winners need to sign. However, guests are held to the same responsibility as the signers upon the signing of the contract. MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) Contracts don't actually work that way. But I would rather finish this tour than argue. MICKENZIE: The sooner the better. (Mickenzie finishes writing and walks back. She prepares to hand the quill to Augustine but tosses it aside at the last second, forcing Augustine to have to get on all fours to find it.) MICKENZIE: Your turn Porky. (Augustine is visibly embarrassed as she crawls around looking for the quill.) AUGUSTINE: (flustered) Not cool... Not cool at all! (Augustine sees the quill and reaches for it, only for Mrs. Piker to pick it up first. Augustine has a look of annoyed dismay.) MRS. PIKER: (to Miranda) Just sign the blasted thing so we can be done with it. (Miranda walks up and signs.) MIRANDA: This whole thing is a waste of time! Candy is for children who refuse to grow up. (Mrs. Piker smiles self-righteously.) WONKA: And yet here you are. MIRANDA: I'm only here to win the factory so that I may dissolve it afterwards. Nothing more! WONKA: I'm sure you'll feel differently soon enough. MIRANDA: Hmph! (Miranda finishes and walks off, handing the quill to Augustine.) MIRANDA: Quit your dawdling and sign it already. We don't have all day. (Augustine rushes forward and begins signing. As she does she records herself with her phone.) AUGUSTINE: (excited, to her phone) Ohmygosh you guys! This is just so very really cool! I cannot believe I'm going to see the inside of the Wonka Factory! Eek! MRS. GLOOP: (annoyed) Do hurry eet awp, leetle Augustine! Mein legs are beecoming tired! (Augustine finishes and puts the quill down before taking a selfie in front of the contract. She giggles as she walks back down.) VIOLET: (annoyed) Alright already! That's all of us! Can we fuckin' do this now? WONKA: I'm afraid we've only had six signatures so far. Still require a seventh. MICKENZIE: (annoyed) We've all signed! Stop stalling! CHARLIE: (offscreen) Um... Excuse me. (Charlie squeezes between Mickenzie and Mrs. Teavee and shyly approaches the table.) AUGUSTINE: Where did she come from? I didn't see her when we came in. (Charlie signs.) CHARLIE: All done. (CHARLIE rushes back to AUNTIE JOY.) WONKA: Alrighty then! Now the fun can commence! This way everyone! (WONKA leads everyone to an open doorway.) INT. TWISTED HALLWAY (They are in a white normal looking hallway. But the further they travel, the more it morphs into a cylindrical tunnel with more and more multi-colored spirals which become increasingly bright.) MS. SALT: What the hell is this Wonka? AUNTIE JOY: It’s getting hard to see! MARLEY: Mommy! I have a headache! AUGUSTINE: Is it just me or is it getting tighter in here? (The tunnel is beveling into an increasingly cramped space, forcing everyone onto all fours and packing them closer together.) MRS. GLOOP: Vhere are vee?! MRS. PRUNE: Why aren’t we moving? VIOLET: What th’ fuck! Stop touchin’ me perv! MICKENZIE: Then get your ass out of my face! Jeeziz! AUGUSTINE: Oh crap! I dropped my phone! MARLEY: Mommy! MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) She’s farther back. AUNTIE JOY: Charlie! Are you alright? CHARLIE: I-I think so... AUGUSTINE: Everyone please be careful not to step on my phone! MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet?! Sweetie, where are you? MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) Whoever is groping my leg, please stop or I will report you when we finish this tour. MIRANDA: (being crushed by Mrs. Piker) Mother… I can’t breathe... MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet! Baby, answer me! VIOLET: Shut th’ fuck up ma! (WONKA climbs over MS. SALT and sees a circular hatch with a safe lock on it.) WONKA: (excited, to herself) Aha! There you are! (WONKA’s stiletto heel is inches from MICKENZIE’s eye.) MICKENZIE: Jeeziz christ! Are you shitting me? WONKA: (calmy, to herself) Let’s see now… (swivels the knob) MS. SALT: We need to move backwards! CHARLIE: W-we can’t! MRS. PIKER: What the bloody hell do you mean? WONKA: (calmy, to herself) 64... CHARLIE: I-I don’t know what happened! I can’t see it anymore! MRS. PIKER: That’s preposterous! WONKA: (calmy, to herself) 71... MIRANDA: (being crushed by Mrs. Piker) Mother… MRS. GLOOP: Haaalp! Haaaalp! WONKA: (calmy, to herself) 05... AUGUSTINE: I need my phone! VERUCA: Mamae! I want out of here now! [Now! Dammit! Now!] WONKA: (calmy, to herself) What was that last one? MS. SALT: Wonka, get us out or I swear my lawyers will take you for everything you have! WONKA: (calmy, to herself) 14? MS. SALT: Do you hear me Wonka?! WONKA: (calmy, to herself) Oh! 13! MARLEY: Mommy! MS. SALT: Wooonka!!! (The hatch can be heard unlocking.) WONKA: (aloud, gleeful) There we go! (pushes the hatch open) Onward everyone! INT. HISTORICAL HALL (As soon as Wonka exits, everyone flies out of the cramped space only to pile on top of each other.) VIOLET: That was fucked up. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet! There you are! MICKENZIE: (amused) You were all about to shit yourselves. AUGUSTINE: Where is my phone? (WONKA calmly struts around the group and bends down to look at them.) WONKA: Don’t dilly-dally now. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: What the ever-loving hell was that? WONKA: An artist shouldn’t have to explain their genius. MRS. PIKER: This is outrageous! MIRANDA: (gasping for air) Yes... Outrageous! MRS. PIKER: Compose yourself child! (swats MIRANDA in the rear) Stand up straight! AUGUSTINE: (frantic) I can’t find my phone! WONKA: We really should get a move on. MS. SALT: Absolutely not! I am through with this insanity! We are leaving! (The hatch closes itself and a locking mechanism can be heard cranking. From this side the hatch completely blends in with the wall as if it were never there.) WONKA: Hmm. Not likely. MS. SALT: Dammit Wonka! Open that door this instant! WONKA: I’m afraid I can’t. One-way door. MRS. PRUNE: Then how do we leave this place? AUGUSTINE: (horrified) Ohmygod! I think my phone is still in there! WONKA: The only way out from here is forward. MRS. PIKER: This is madness! MIRANDA: I agree! WONKA: You try living alone in four the past however many decades and tell me just how mentally stable you come out. MRS. GLOOP: Vee ahr all go-wing to die. AUGUSTINE: (whining) I’m going to lose so many followers for this! WONKA: Now don’t be silly. What good would that do me? The whole world knows you are all in here. Hardly a chance I could hide your carcasses in here for a week before authorities came knocking. MRS. TEAVEE: (apathetic, on her phone) She does have a point. WONKA: Of course I do. Now let’s get going. We don’t have all day. (WONKA leads everyone into the large open room with murals on the walls and historical memorabilia all over in display cases all over. There are numerous pure chocolate statues and large portraits of WONKA in various styles of outrageous attire and evocative poses.) MS. SALT: What is all of this? WONKA: Just some knick knacks about the past. VIOLET: Gawd! I frackin’ hate museums! MRS. BEAUREGARDE: (sweetly) Language, sweetie. VIOLET: Flap off Ma. WONKA: You can find a good chunk of this stuff on the internets. AUGUSTINE: (pouty, to herself) I wish I still had my phone. WONKA: We’ve wasted too much time already, so we should skip all of this. (WONKA stops in front of a pair of massive, ornate, golden doors. She suddenly stops and whips around to face everyone, startling them.) WONKA: Now beyond these doors is the one of the most indescribably awe-inspiring things you will ever see! Impossible wonders to dumbstruck you all! (pulls a key from her coat) Prepare yourselves. (WONKA turns back around to unlock the doors and pushes them open.) WONKA: Behold… TO BE CONTINUED Gonna end this excerpt here. If you like/dislike what you've red let me know in the comments or maybe just shoot me your thoughts over chat. Or we can just ramble about other stuff. I'd luv to hear from. 4ever yours, Verity
